A chunk of friends over Facebook have asked me about Chilean women. Are they friendly? Are they boring? Are they easy? I want answer this by first talking about how I THOUGHT Latin relationships worked before I got here. This impression was accrued from watching hours and hours of Telemundo and lots of “Chino y Nacho” music videos:

1. Boy spots girl from a distance. Due to her amazing curves, he immediately falls in love with her.
2. Boy stops what he’s doing, approaches girl and throws his arm around her. In some smooth fashion, he will charm her, and ask her to go out.
3. The two will go out and enjoy their time. They will then begin finding more and more occasions to dine together, drive in a fancy car, or relax by the side of a gorgeous pool.
4.  After a few weeks, the boy will lay his heart out to the girl in a dramatic fashion, usually mentioning some kind of change she provoked in him. By the end of the speech, he will ask for her to be his girlfriend. If the girl rejects him, he will be forever doomed to the friend zone. But if she accepts him, they will both drop all other planned activities for the evening and make wild wild love.  12-36 hours later, their relationship will appear as “Facebook offish.”

Well, after three months of Chilean life, I can tell you that relationships here are perhaps faster. I’ve seen that some couples can go from zero, to “I love you” over the course of six weeks. On the flip side, I’ve also talked to couples who told me they went much more slowly, so it’s hard to say! Overall, I think boyfriend-girlfriend relationships in Chile develop a little more quickly, but the nature of the relationship isn’t much different from what couples have in the States. As far as booty calls, friends with benefits, one night stands (a “touch and go” as they say here), or any variation you can think of…that’s a whoooole different story! I won’t get into all the details, but I will say that there is certainly a reason why they have so many 4 hour motels in Chile.

My first impression of a Spanish relationship

Here’s a still from an Enrique Iglesias video. He spots the girl, and then falls deeply in love with her over the course of about 45 seconds. Tragically, she ends up being hit by a car. If you want to check it out, below is the link!

        One thing I do know, is that to get the type of Chilean girl that I desire, I’m going to need to have my humor firing on all cylinders; my humor will need to be up to speed and on point, son! As we all know, jokes are a tricky thing, because they can either come across wonderfully, or you can fall face first.  With my humor in English, I have my hits and my misses, but I rarely have anything way-off the mark. While speaking Spanish in Chile,  I’ve my hits and misses as well, but due to cultural differences, language barriers, and my own stupidity, I’ve also said some horrendous comments beyond the conventional “miss.” Here are a few examples:
  • A few weeks ago in the park I saw a girl who was wearing a fanny pack (she looked about 19). She was extremely cute, and I wanted to tease her a bit, so I told her that she looked like she was on mom duty with her fanny pack, and that the fanny pack looked pretty damn stupid. I was just trying to make fun of the fanny pack, nothing more nothing less! Well, it turns out  she is a mom, and that she always carries around her fanny pack so that she can take good care of her four year old son  (whom she is VERY proud of). My comment blew it with her, and all the other girls in the vicinity in one fell swoop.
  • At the end of a teacher’s meeting, a few of my coworkers began talking about going out for a few drinks on Friday. One of my coteachers, who’s a female, mentioned that she always elects to go out for drinks if the students behaved poorly throughout the week.  My response to her, “yo no inventé las reglas, pero me gustan!” (I didn’t invent the rules, but I like them!). Unfortunately, ‘reglas’ in Spanish can refer to rules, or a women’s period. Of course, this didn’t dawn on me until 5 seconds after I said it, when I was wallowing in the awkward silence of my comment. Awesome.
  • I was hanging out with a newfound Chilean friend in his room.  He was a nice guy and I enjoyed talking to him, but the conversation was becoming quiet, so I decided to bust his chops a little bit.  I noticed that he had a stuffed animal of a dolphin on his desk.  I picked up his dolphin, laughed, and told him that dolphins are lame animals — that he should have gotten a shark. Well, it actually turns out that dolphins are one of his favorite animals, and that the stuffed dolphin was a gift from his best friend who had since moved away. He then lifted his shirt to show me a swollen, freshly drawn tattoo of a dolphin he got on the side of his stomach (FRESH kid you not!!)….should have known better than to hate on dolphins.

I know that eventually my Spanish humor will get there. My ‘gringo charm’ will reach new heights— give me a few more months! You’ll see a picture of me on Facebook with a Chilean beauty draped all over me and kissing my cheek! I’ll have one of them million-dollar smiles! In my left hand I’ll be making a giant thumbs up, and in my right hand I’ll be clutching a Chilean flag. Yep, just you wait!!